Alright folks, I make a lot of offensive remarks and jokes that could be labeled “sexist” and it’s about time that I showed some remorse. But a simple apology wouldn’t be enough to right the wrongs I’ve committed. It’s time for me to put my big-boy pants on (or maybe, big-girl pants, eh?) and do my part to end the oppressive patriarchy in our society. The following is my response to a blog that has done its best to help cavemen like myself realize our faults and learn to better appreciate women and see them as just a fellow “person”. Here’s the link if you want to read the original blog for perspective. Now let’s stop wasting time, we’ve got a culture war going on here and I can’t leave my fellow G.I. Janes in the trenches!
1. Do 50% (or more) of housework.
Ummm…let’s see, I do 100% of the housework. Boom. First blow to the patriarchy and I’m just getting started.
1 for 1. Don’t tell the feminists that I don’t live with a woman…or that my mother cleans my house when she comes to visit.
2. Do 50% (or more) of emotional support work in your intimate relationships and friendships.
Women must be getting really smart these days because my head is already spinning. I can hardly follow what she’s saying, but my response is this: Women do more “emotional labour” because women are more emotional. Sorry to make excuses, but an excuse isn’t an excuse when it’s a fact. Nobody told you to cry over your frankfurter falling in the dirt. Sorry, but Mother Nature did that to you with those damn hormones (she’s obviously not a feminist, amiright, ladies?).
1 for 2. I’ll have to hope for an “estrogen storm” if I want to succeed at this one.
3. Consume cultural products produced by women.
2 for 3. Something tells me this is my high water mark in terms of average.
4. Give women space.
This one was about don’t scare women by acting too “rapey” around them or something. Like walk on the other side of the street so women don’t think you’re trying to murder them or don’t sit right next to them on the bus. I think it may be safe to say at this point that I’m far more terrified of a beautiful woman than she should be of me. Just ask my buddies who were there when I attempted to hit on some Wolves cheerleaders at a bar one time. I choked like Karl Malone at the free throw line. I’ll walk where I want to walk and I promise I won’t rape anybody in the process.
2 for 4.
5. …but insert yourself into spaces where you can use your maleness to interrupt sexism.
“Examples: challenge men who make sexist comments and jokes.”
#standwithwendy Gladly. That broad makes some tasty hamburgers and frosties
— Peter Christensen (@pchristensen34) June 26, 2013
So I guess I have some changes to make. I mean, that wasn’t even funny. But it is true.
2 for 5.
6. When a woman tells you something is sexist, believe her.
I may be over thinking this, but that sounds kind of sexist to me. Why do only women get to declare what is and isn’t sexist with no questioning from the opposite sex? I’d love to say “Ok, I’ll believe them all whenever they’re whining about sexism” just to get another notch in the win column here, but if I’m being honest with myself, there’s no way I would follow through with that. It’s my nature to question everything, plus, I would miss out on some great
debates arguments with feminists if I just allowed them to tell me everything is sexist with no counter from me.
2 for 6. Still in contention for an NL batting crown with this average.
7. Educate yourself about sexual consent and make sure there is clear, unambiguous communication of consent in all your sexual relationships.
Sexual relationships? Umm…yeah, I do that all the time.
I don’t think this one is gonna be a problem.
3 for 7.
8. Be responsible for contraception.
Does abstinence count? Sounds like a point in my book.
4 for 8. Never would have guessed I would still be 50% this far into it.
9. Get the HPV vaccine.
Seriously, though, I don’t get her logic on this one. Since women are at risk, men should get it. What?!? Shouldn’t the women who are in danger get it since they are the ones at risk? Isn’t part of feminism doing things for yourselves rather than letting men do them for you? Come on, ladies. This one is on you.
4 for 9.
10. Have progressive name politics.
Lady, you’re killing me, here. You didn’t type that with a straight face, did you? Did Judith Fessbeggler write this?
4 for 10.
11. If you have children, be an equal parent.
I don’t have kids. While I consider that a win for me personally, it’s a mark in the loss column here.
4 for 11.
12. Pay attention to and challenge informal instances of gender role enforcement.
This probably isn’t the best time to mention that I believe in traditional gender roles to some extant. Please don’t take away my feminist card!
4 for 12. Things are going downhill quickly.
13. Be mindful of implicit and explicit gendered power differentials in your intimate/domestic relationships with women…whether a partner or family members or roommates.
14. Make sure that honesty and respect guide your romantic and sexual relationships with women.
C’mon, lady. Just keep rubbing in how I don’t have a woman, why don’t ya?
4 for 14.
15. Don’t be an online bystander in the face of sexism.
4 for 15.
16. Be responsible with money in domestic/romantic relationships.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I see what you’re trying to do here, lady. Trying to flip this argument on its head. Women are the ones trying to buy new sofas and patio furniture every time the season changes. Women are the ones with hundreds of pairs of shoes in their closets and spend $85 for their hair appointments. Come on now, I spend my money responsibly like on rounds of golf (exercise, keep me in shape, duh), fast-food (I gotta eat, right?), and gambling (best way I know to make more money outside of work).
5 for 16.
17. Be responsible for your own health.
We men are perfectly fine with this one. We just don’t want a woman nagging us to be healthier than we want to be. Our bodies, our choices, right guys? Get outta my face with this one lady. Just because a guy doesn’t meet the unrealistic standards of his spouse for what’s “healthy” doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his own health. Who wants to live forever, anyhow?
6 for 17. I’ve got my work cut out for me in Part II.