I hate the winter. I hate the cold. I hate the darkness. And most of all, I hate the snow. But in this time of cold and gray, there are two things that give me hope of happier times: the NBA and Christmas. And of course, with Christmas, you get all of the great things that go with it in the season leading up to it like egg nog, Home Alone on TV, and of course, the timeless tradition of Christmas music on the radio. Years ago, I gave you my top 10 list, but this time I’d like to take a more critical look at some of our favorite Christmas songs, because I’ve got some beefs with some of these lyrics.
Hidey ho, and Merry Christmas!
There’s simply no way this song could be written and recorded for the first time in 2015. How have the feminists
not come for this one being banned from the radio yet? Because by their loose definition of rape these days, I think this might qualify. I would argue that the chick is already internally conflicted about staying the night with this guy and all he does is give her reasons to stay, but there are a few pretty damning lines in there:
Girl: “Well, maybe just a half a drink more…” Guy: “Put some records on while I pour”
Girl: “Say, what’s in this drink?”
Uh, oh. She’s gotten suspicious of that something something you slipped in her egg nog while she was flipping that Nat King Cole LP. But apparently it must be working…
Girl: “I wish I knew how…” Guy: “Your eyes are like starlight now” Girl: “To break this spell”
Her eyes are glazed over and she thinks she’s under a spell. Stop drinking that love potion he whipped up for you lady! The guy’s a predator!
Despite her now drug-induced state, she’s still lucid enough to know that she should tell this guy to get lost.
Girl: “I ought to say no, no, no, sir”
And then later she actually says the magic word, but I like this guy’s hustle. Instead of arguing with her, he simply reminds her again of how cold it is out there so she can change her own mind.
Girl: “The answer is no!” Guy: “Baby, it’s cold outside”
So I think we all know how this one ended. We all know she wanted to stay all along, but if you pay attention to the lyrics she really just doesn’t want her family and neighbors to think she’s a slut. That, and then there’s the possibility that she’s just playing a little hard to get and wants this guy to try a little harder. Either way, I’d say that move of spiking her drink was “frowned upon” at best.
Frosty the Snowman
I’m sorry, call me a Scrooge, but I gotta call bullshit on this whole Frosty the Snowman story. And not to send everybody into some sort of frenzied panic, but rather than some magical, fun-loving, snowman that came to life, I’m afraid we have something much more sinister on our hands. I mean, what’s more plausible? That somehow a silk hat contains magical powers that can bring a mound of snow to life, or that some sort of Pied Piper type creep cleverly disguised himself as a snowman to gain the trust of the town’s children to eventually kidnap them for ransom? Sorry my mind went there, but hey, it’s a sick world we live in, and won’t somebody please think of the children
? That’s why I usually smash every snowman I see if given the chance. Better safe than sorry, and you’re welcome, kids.
“O star of wonder, star of night,
Star of royal beauty bright,
Westward leading, still proceeding,
Guide us to thy perfect light.” – We Three Kings
“They looked up and saw a star
Shining in the east beyond them far:
And to the earth it gave great light
And so it continued both day and night.” – The First Noel
Could these songwriters please get their stories straight? Was the star in the east, or the west? Based on the geography of the Mediterranean Sea being just to the west of Israel, I’m guessing the wise men came from the east, thus putting the star in the west, because I don’t think the wise men were walking on water to get there, especially since the guy who invented that move had just been born and hadn’t even done it yet. I’m glad I was able to clear that up for you guys.
In 2015, we live in a crazy time of political correctness and where every last snot-nosed kid gets a participation trophy for simply showing up to his rec league soccer team once a week. And thanks to this new backwards society where we don’t celebrate winners, I was recently able to have an epiphany about the truth behind this song. Are we really supposed to believe that Santa had never encountered a foggy Christmas Eve in all the years he had been doing this? I’m not buying it. Plus anyone with a brain knows that when you drive in fog you don’t turn on your high beams because it just reflects back more light and you can’t see, so this story doesn’t even pass the smell test. My money is on Santa seeing a deformed little reindeer that was bullied by his peers and deciding to give the kid a chance to shine and “save the day”. It was Make-a-Wish for an outcast magical flying reindeer instead of a kid with cancer, and I, for one, am appalled. How is little Rudolph ever going to grow up to be a big strong reindeer who actually earned his way into the starting lineup pulling Santa’s sleigh if he’s just given the spot for having a funny red nose? Overcoming all of that bullying was going to put Rudy on the path to success and instead Kringle stepped in and screwed it all up. Smh.
This song is by far the biggest lie of them all. Imagine a chick singing this song to her man and then he takes it to heart and doesn’t bother getting her a gift. Buddy, you might as well have slit your wrists. You’re done for. Especially if her girlfriends all got a diamond ring or a Lexus with a big red bow on it from their guys. A woman may claim all she needs is her man to love her at the holidays, but I think the chick’s wish list in the song “Santa Baby”
is a lot closer to the truth.
Fun fact that I just made up: This song and her men taking it literally are why Mariah Carey has not one, but two failed marriages.
Where do I even begin with this song? It’s so wrong on multiple levels. So, for starters, obviously that wasn’t really Santa Claus. It was most likely the kid’s dad dressed up as Santa, right? But the kid doesn’t know that since he thinks it would have been hilarious if Daddy would have seen it go down. What?!? Oh yeah, kid, I’m sure your dad would be thrilled to see that Santa’s getting more action from Mommy than him. So now, assuming that it is the father dressed up as St. Nick, was this all set up on purpose by the parents in hopes that the kid would wake up and sneak down to see it? That seems unlikely, because what if the kid never wakes up, and even if he does, why is that something you’d want him to see? It’s just plain weird. So that leaves us with one other, much more plausible scenario, which is that these parents like to spice things up with role play sometimes and Daddy was in character as Santa. Thank goodness the kid only saw them kissing and didn’t walk in later in the action. He’d be in therapy for the rest of his life and would probably hate Christmas. Now, all of this crazy stuff aside, whether you believe it was the real Santa or the Dad or even some other guy dressed up and making moves on the mother, what the hell is wrong with this kid? Like I said earlier, from his perspective that was really Santa putting the moves on his mom and the kid just finds it hilarious instead of going and waking up Dad right then and there. Hey, kid, how about you have your old man’s back for me one time and tell him his old lady is a whore. Unbelievable. What a family of weirdos.