By now, we have all heard about the national, and even global movement known as “Occupy Wall Street”. Ever since I first heard about this group of people, I kept asking the question, “What exactly do they want?” or “What do they aim to accomplish?”. They seemed to be very vague in the complaints that I had heard, saying things about how corporate greed is ruining America and “We are the 99%!” which is my personal favorite, because I found it kind of funny that they chose to target only the top 1% of earners in this country. Why the top 1%? It seems so arbitrary to me, what made them choose that number? So the guy who’s barely in the 98th percentile is a completely trustworthy, non-greedy person, but if his neighbor is grossing 10k more a year and is bumped into the 99th percentile he’s automatically a soulless, greedy son of a bitch? It gets me every time.
So, when my friend and devoted Pete Magete Blog reader David posted this link in the comments of my “New Beginnings” post, I was delighted to find out just how ridiculous the demands of the Occupy Wall Street movement truly are. I realize that this site may be embellishing these demands a bit for comedy’s sake, and perhaps certain groups with the OWS movement would even disagree with large portions of this list, but that’s kind of part of the unintentional comedy here, that there’s no true organization or leadership for this protest. So, just for fun, let’s go through them, one by one, with my commentary (you wouldn’t be reading this unless you wanted it, right?).
Repeal the Taft-Hartley Act. Unionize ALL workers immediately. You know, because unions are the exact opposite of greed. They always work hard despite measures put in place to prevent them from ever getting fired, and they never insist on getting their own way or asking for more with a stunt like, say, a strike!
Raise the minimum wage immediately to $18/hr. Create a maximum wage of $90/hr to eliminate inequality. Call me crazy, but I actually like to enjoy the McDonald’s dollar menu or the ability to buy affordable groceries, and don’t really think the high school dropouts with no discernible skills who are employed by the fast food restaurants and supermarkets are deserving of anything more than the standard minimum wage. And as for the $90/hr cap, last time I checked 90>18, rather than 90=18. Isn’t this still inequality?
Institute a 6 hour workday, and 6 weeks of paid vacation. Well, working 6 hours a day, and 46 weeks a year is at least a big improvement over never working while sitting in a park and protesting 24/7. This demand reminds me of this.
Institute a moratorium on all foreclosures and layoffs immediately. Mortgage payments? Don’t worry about ’em! Your company is losing money and can’t afford everybody’s salaries and benefits? Too bad for them, you’ve got job security!
Repeal racist and xenophobic English-only laws. On a serious note, I’m pretty sympathetic to the plight of immigrants, and I guess I don’t really know enough about these “English-only laws” that they’re referring to to really defend or condemn them, but I’ll just say this: I don’t mind hearing immigrants speak their native tongues amongst themselves or whatever, but it’s only for their own good that they learn to speak English. It’s the language of the American society and mainstream American culture, so can we all agree that the immigrants should do their best to learn it, and we’ll all be patient and give them the benefit of the doubt in the meantime?
Open the borders to all immigrants, legal or illegal. Offer immediate, unconditional amnesty, to all undocumented residents of the US. The idea of completely opening up the border to legal or illegal immigrants is completely ridiculous. Every country in the world monitors its borders, why should we be so different? Where on earth do these batshits get off suggesting the US is xenophobic and anti-immigrant because we actually want to keep drugs and terrorists out of our country?
Create a single-payer, universal health care system. This one, while I completely disagree with it, at least is more of an ideological opinion, rather than absolute lunacy. Score one for the 99%!
Pass stricter campaign finance reform laws. Ban all private donations. All campaigns will receive equal funding, provided by the taxpayers. Similar to the last demand. And I can see their angle here: they don’t want powerful corporations buying themselves political favors down the road. Dang, these are so much more fun when they’re completely insane.
Institute a negative income tax, and tax the very rich at rates up to 90%. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing a negative income tax means some people will actually be given more money from the government, and then this 90% tax of the rich would put our top earning $90/hour workers at $9/hour. Hey, isn’t that half of the minimum wage of $18/hour? I’m confused. Either way, this is a demand that Karl Marx would be proud of.
Pass far stricter environmental protection and animal rights laws. I’m gonna have to disagree with that one. I think our country takes a fairly strict stance on environmental protection, and has pretty screwed up priorities when Michael Vick is the most hated player in the NFL for killing a few dogs, despite the fact that there are players who killed people and may or may not have raped some chicks (I’m looking at you Donte Stallworth and Ben Roethlisberger).
Allow workers to elect their supervisors. That sounds like fun. I vote for the guy who lets us leave at noon every Friday and allows for unlimited “sick days”. Also, my theoretical new boss is an advocate of the daily post-lunch siesta to get us through the last couple hours of the workday.
Lower the retirement age to 55. Increase Social Security benefits. There is no end in sight for these imaginary funds! Keep the demands coming!
Create a 5% annual wealth tax for the very rich. Compared to the 90% we’re already taxing them on their wages, this is practically a gift from Uncle Sam to the rich. Maybe that number needs to be higher…
Ban the private ownership of land. This one kind of puzzles me when they already asked for a “moratorium” on foreclosures. This seems like a massive foreclosure for all.
Make homeschooling illegal. Religious fanatics use it to feed their children propaganda. I don’t personally believe in homeschooling, but I don’t mind those families that do. And let me tell you, if you’re not smart enough to figure out how to brainwash your child with propaganda even without bogus homeschooling curriculum, than you just aren’t very bright. News flash: kids are dumb.
Reduce the age of majority to 16. Ummm…I don’t think so. As someone who was 16, I think I’m justified in saying that 16-year-olds are almost as dumb as kids. They basically are kids, and that’s why they don’t need any more responsibility or liberties.
Abolish the death penalty and life in prison. We call for the immediate release of all death row inmates from death row and transferred to regular prisons. While I personally disagree with the death penalty, I still think people need to be adequately punished for their crimes. Life in prison is one way that can happen without eliminating the possibility of correcting the courts’ mistakes if someone was wrongly incarcerated. I’m not really sure why the OWS movement would be against life imprisonment, but it makes me wonder how long is too long by their standard?
Immediate withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan. Well, I think Iraq is actually happening, whether it’s “immediate” or not. Can we thank the 99% for this one?
Abolish the debt limit. Just keep on spending more than what we have. That seems like a brilliant idea. And then we can just print more money to pay off those debts! Post WWI Germany anyone?
Ban private gun ownership. Aside from the fact that this is completely against the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, it also resembles the practice of the Nazis of controlling who was allowed to own guns so as not to allow an uprising. Yikes.
Strengthen the separation of church and state. Like the environmental protection laws, I’d say the separation is strong enough. Let’s move on.
Immediate debt forgiveness for all. Maybe that’s why they don’t want a debt limit for our nation, because they think that when they grant everyone forgiveness of debts, somehow the other countries will forgive our debts to them. These people need a strong dose of reality.
End the ‘War on Drugs’. Aha! We finally get to the bottom of it! The OWS movement is really just all about a bunch of hippies trying to legally smoke more dope! But in all seriousness, I don’t think the War on Drugs is perfect and I personally am for the legalization of marijuana, but I don’t think we should just allow every drug dealer out there to run amok with no consequences, because the organized crime would only continue to gain power and influence and eventually cause much bigger problems within politics and law enforcement than it already does.
Well, there you have it. The most ridiculous Christmas list anyone could come up with. I leave you with a very entertaining video on the subject. Merry Christmas!