I saw a tabloid cover in line at the supermarket one day, and it had all kinds of celebrity dirt, including the headline, “Guess who talks on the phone while on the toilet?!?” My reaction to this was, “Wait, is that frowned upon? Have I been committing a terrible faux pas all this time and I didn’t realize it?”
I’ve noticed that it’s far more rewarding to hear a song I like on the radio, rather than just playing it on demand from my own library of music.
They say “You snooze, you lose”, and yet I beg to differ as I press the “snooze” button on my alarm clock for the third consecutive time.
You know, I would feel sorry for John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt for getting mobbed by all those people shouting his name whenever he goes out, but then I realize that he’s brought it upon himself by singing that song about himself all the time. If I saw him I’d be like, “Hey John! We get it, you have a long name!”
We all know that the Most Interesting Man in the World prefers Dos Equis over all other beers, but what other products does he choose? I can see it now, “I don’t usually brush my teeth, but when I do, I prefer Aquafresh.” or “I don’t usually wear underwear, but when I do, I prefer Jockeys.”
I’m not buying it that the people in those 5-Hour Energy Ads are really drinking anything. Is it just me, or don’t those containers seem empty? I think I could be a bit more convincing.
And as for those Subway ads, is Laila Ali really selling more sandwiches for how much she gets for endorsing them? I mean, how many people even know who she is, let alone recognize her face and decide that it’s a reason to buy Subway subs?
I’ve come to the realization that I’m the 2nd best cook in the world, according to the tastes that I prefer (my mother would be #1).
Who went and told women that the big chunks of two-toned hair look was an attractive one? This must be the work of evil hair salons that make more money if they can charge you for some hair coloring.
At least once a day I am made a fool by my DVR when I try to fast forward through the commercials of live TV.
I’ve recently realized that I have come to tolerate, and I dare say enjoy celery entirely thanks to chicken wings and blue cheese dressing.
I was driving the other day, and I noticed a truck with the vanity plate “B1G RED”. I couldn’t help but wonder how disappointed this guy must have been when he found out somebody had beaten him to the “BIG RED” plate. Then I thought about how awkward it would be for that guy if he ran into the guy who had the “BIG RED” plates in a parking lot or something, and then the guy with the “BIG RED” plates would give him a look with a little smug grin that says, “Oh yeah, buddy. You know who the real Big Red is around these parts.” How humiliating would that be?