As I’ve hinted at many times before in past posts, your favorite blogger is about as single as they come. A life that’s full of fast food, sports gambling, reality TV marathons, and of course, blogging. Sure, like anyone else my age, I’ll venture to the local watering hole to interact with the fairer sex most weekends, but actually settling down for a life of honey-do lists, rom-coms, trips to the farmer’s market and all the other lame couples nonsense seems about as far off as a Viking’s Super Bowl at this point. I’m sure the time will come, like it does for most men, but right now I’ll relish the days of endless golf Saturdays and never having to make my bed. However, the single life apparently isn’t what some of the ladies out there are all about. Which brings me to why we’re here. A reader of mine has pointed out a blog that offers a fascinating look into the mind of an aging single woman who hears her biological clock ticking like the Tell Tale Heart, but only with a scarier ending: menopause! Read her piece, so you know what I’m responding to. Or don’t, I’m not going to twist your arm, because hey, nobody likes a nag, amiright?
Okay, her opening line “The article was like balm for my chaffed, lonesome soul.” can be filed under “too much information”, especially for a broad trying to attract a man. It just far too easily invites the comparison to her aging anatomy and that’s a visual all of us eligible guys aren’t interested in. “Who told you to put the balm on?!?”
Then she claims that single life is full of friction. Lady, you’re doing it wrong. Single life is free of friction. That’s the point. Marriage is the part of life where you literally have another person in your bed every night, and even worse sometimes, draped all over you
. Guess who gets to pick what’s on the tv or on the pizza we’re ordering at my house? Me, because there’s no conflict when you’re single.
And she doesn’t know where to sit at church each week. Last I checked one person can find a place to sit just about anywhere. It’s when the family reunion is in town that needs two rows together that seating gets complicated. Oh, you wish you had a man to play footsie with under the pews? Get over yourself, you’re supposed to be worshiping not getting to second base.
Now for her 6 suggestions on how to love a single chick.
1. Do Not Use If/Then Statements – Okay lady, we get that there’s no magic formula to finding a mate, but your moping around your married friends compelled them to try and cheer you up. It’s the best they could do to muster up a cliche or two. Nitpicking their advice isn’t getting you to the altar any quicker, and in fact, it’s probably delaying it because men don’t care for your criticism, either. You don’t like their advice or comforting words? Stop asking for it and acting like you need it.
2. Do Not Assume or Attempt to Fix – More of the same from my response to her first point. How about this gem:
“When a single girl comes up to you upset and asking, “Why am I not married?!!!”, the last thing she wants is someone to take a magnifying glass to her heart to diagnose its condition.”
Then why on earth is she asking the question? If you keep presenting rhetorical questions to your friends and they struggle to respond the way you desire, imagine how some poor sap who tries to date you is going to fare.
3. Ask – If a random guy friend texted me just to ask how work was I think I’d be scared to respond because it would make so little sense out of context like that. How about this line?:
“When a single person falls on hard times or has a big decision to make, it all falls on their shoulders.”
Come on. These decisions are only easier when you don’t have someone to debate you on them. And honestly, when I really don’t know the best way to handle a situation and I want other opinions, friends and family are just a phone call away. My parents practically live to hear my voice on the phone, and asking for advice has got to make them feel pretty wise and respected.
4. Affirm – “I can’t tell you the amount of times I have gotten ready for something and cried at the mirror because I felt sad that my efforts weren’t going to be enjoyed. When a married woman gets all dressed up, often she is giddy with excitement because she knows her husband will delight in her beauty. The single woman will often feel like a waste.”
What? She thinks the SINGLE girls’ efforts are going to waste? This is your big chance, sweetheart and you’re blowing it! The tears are making your eye makeup run! What world are you living in that guys won’t be looking at the single girls who are out there trying to look good? Nobody looks good when they’re crying! And even if you think the reason you’re single is your appearance, don’t lose hope. There are plenty of good looking girls who can’t marry for the other big reason that hasn’t been addressed yet: Crazy. See, ABC’s The Bachelor
(appointment TV by the way). So maybe it’s your 8 cats or your obsession with weird baby pictures
that’s scaring him off. One other thought here, she mentions that single guys should still comment on single girls’ looks, but don’t be creepy. This is all a matter of who the messenger is, not the message itself. Allow SNL
5. Invite – What did I just read there? Is this a “thing” for single women? Wanting to spend time with older married couples? I’m at a loss for words because the concept seems so counter-intuitive to me. I got nothing against married couples and hanging out with them in groups, especially those my age, but the thought of me and some 40 year old guy and his wife hanging out drinking wine like the author suggests sounds about as awkward as Joe Namath and Suzy Kolber
grabbing a drink together.
6. Give – Aaannnnddd this chick just set feminism back 50 years. I’m suddenly a fan. Maybe I’ll subscribe to her blog. Honestly, could she make the plight of young, single women sound any tougher? She has to buy her own flowers? What? But seriously, is she for real with that? I just figured flowers are about getting them from a guy. Didn’t know females actually needed them to survive and were forced to buy them for themselves when they didn’t have a big strong man to foot the bill.
Ladies who may be reading this, this was all in good fun. Thanks for reading. Disregard the rest of this post. Guys stuff only.
Are they gone? Okay, good. I was just kidding. This chick is crazy. Reminds me of this one: